Seattle

I spent 4 days and 3 nights in Seattle and the experience was everything I needed and more. It was refreshing to come “home” to the PNW- a place that fostered my growth and helped me find life-long friends and family. I always feel like a new person when I visit; this time I was someone that didn’t know heartbreak or sadness. I was someone who had not let the cruel words of a boy she thought she loved force her into a shell of the woman she was before. I was someone who was hopeful for the future; someone who didn’t need validation from a man to make her feel worthy. I was me for the first time in a long time. I say that a lot, like I’m constantly reinventing myself in order to feel some type progression. It’s different when you’re a grown up. There are fewer accolades and less grandiose statements one can make. I am left with promotions and building my weath in order to have the ability to do the things I want to the things I want to do, like buy a condo or travel the world. That, to me, can be a bit monotonous. I’m figuring it out though and having fun doing it. To Seattle, I thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my once broken heart.

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Oh, Hey, Happiness. It’s Been Awhile…

So I’m sitting in my new fave coffee shop, sipping a delicious cup of coffee with my best friend since 7th grade and for the first time in a very long time (aka 4 months) I am so happy with my life. But in order to understand why I’m happy I’ll have to start with the worst day ever which was yesterday. Obviously, I’ve been super depressed and angry and lost since the break up and it finally culminated and manifested in me breaking down during a one-on-one with my supervisor. I mean, some of it was because people are inadequate at work and don’t do their job, but if I’m honest it mostly had to do with Alex. (I can’t even begin to count the amount of times I’ve cried at work and most of the times had to do with Alex. So freaking annoying.) Anyway, I cried and I expressed to her my frustrations and it was so validating when she calmed my craziness by saying how much she wanted to help and to get me back on track and how I have so much potential and I’m a candidate for another promotion and I know this is a run on sentence, but that’s all I needed. I just needed to feel like I was doing something right, even when everything in my life has felt like I’ve done everything wrong. Feeling like I’m not good enough is when I shut down. People can hate me, people can talk behind my back, I could fail, but when I feel like I’m not good enough I just stop trying. I’m like a zombie who walks around with a fake smile and a fake laugh and I live through the motions of life. Nothing is fulfilling. I don’t sleep. I drink a lot. I hate that girl that I become. It’s sad, but that’s what happened even before the break up. I could feel a little part of myself start to go crazy. He made me feel inadequate, made me question myself and the woman I had worked so hard to become. I’m my worst critic and, if anything, being with him emphasized that I wasn’t good enough for him. It’s sad, but I’ve finally come to a point where I’m not angry or sad I’m just content with it all. It’s like a switch went on and everything seems a little brighter, a little more beautiful. I finally feel back to normal. I mean, I’m sure I may fall off the wagon or I might fall back into the trap of missing him, but I also know that I haven’t felt this way in a long time and the fact that I have felt it will remind me that it gets better. It always gets better.

Alex and I’s First Conversation

What are your thoughts on the sofrita?

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

I have yet to try it!!! :O

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

That’s disconcerting! Aren’t you the ultimate Chipotle fan?

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

You know, I proclaim to be, but to tell you the truth I haven’t had Chipotle in almost a month. I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

How are you supposed to live up to your okcupid profile if you haven’t even been there in a month?! You should really consider remixing your rap…

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Haha, I’ve been on a Port of Subs binge as of late. Maybe my next single should depict my betrayal of Chipotle for my new addiction, and the complications of relationships involving food.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

I’m Alex by the way, what’s your name? 🙂

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Port of Subs, huh? I’m sure Chipotle feels cheated. I know I do. I honestly got excited about finding someone who might have been brave enough to try the sofritas, but alas you were not that person. I think you’re on to something with that next single, though. Might also help with the existential Chipotle crisis. Hi, Alex. I’m Brittney. Nice to (sort of) meet you.

Sent on Oct 18

  

Lol. Well, if you’re up for it one day, we can embark on a journey full of dissonance, uncertainty, and more than likely, regret, and go have us some sofritas! 😀 Pleasure, Brittney. I usually say the same thing. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Hold on there, buddy. Don’t try to drag me into this sofritas tasting disaster. I don’t know you well enough to sacrifice my stomach and my positive outlook on Chipotle just yet. Say the same parenthetical?

Sent on Oct 18

  

Ha. Is someone afraid of a little tofu? 😛 Granted it’s being served from a tex-mex restaurant. But still, it could be worse. It could be from, like, McDonalds, or someplace that doesn’t serve real food.

“Say the same” in the sense that you beat me to saying it first. I see now how that might have the potential to be misinterpreted. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

No! I adore tofu…raw tofu, mostly, but have you ever seen the sofritas? It looks like months old curdled milk with sticky brown stuff on it. Perhaps it’s my vivid imagination or my distaste for anything that reminds me of milk or my inability to eat tofu when it’s cooked, but it’s scary looking stuff!

Tex-mex that prides itself on their naturally raised meat and produce, although calling their tacos and burritos gourmet is a long shot.

But I thought McDonalds was real…

Ah, this makes more sense. I’m half asleep because I decided that yoga at 7am was going to be a thing today, but that doesn’t excuse me.

Sent on Oct 18

  

Haha, you and I think alike. I interpreted the sofritas as cottage cheese sprinkled with the leftover spice rub that they use for all their other meats.

Hey, they invented the Quesarito. If that’s not gourmet, I don’t know what is.

McDonalds barely qualifies as food. 😛

Haha, I had that same mentality going into my Pilates this morning. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Chipotle trying to reach their vegetarian clientele, while freaking us out. They’re doing good.

I have no idea what the quesarito is…is that new? To be honest, I haven’t had Chipotle since April and the only reason I know that is because the last time I ate it was when I was in WA.

But, but, but their fries? That’s potato! It has to be potato! The insides are mushy like mushed potato!

Are you serious or are you making fun of my granola-y yoga/pilates loving tendencies that I acquired in college?

Sent on Oct 18

  

Indeed. And don’t even get me stated on those price increases. Greedy bastards. 😛

It’s on the “secret” menu. It’s a burrito wrapped in a quesadilla; a holy fusion of mouthwatering deliciousness.

Did you know their fries contain milk?

I’m serious. I also do tai chi ch’uan, which I also acquired my love for in college. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

I’m sensing some trouble in paradise… first, you’ve been MIA for a month and now you tell me you’re secretly bitter over their horrible decisions. The plot thickens.

Ah, I didn’t even know they had a secret menu. Secret menus are very confusing and cause unwarranted anxiety attacks, while ordering because you never know if the person taking your order will know what you’re talking about

LA LA LA LA LA LA NOT READING ANYTHING YOU WRITE ABOUT MCDONALDS FRIES LA LA LA LA LA

How do you not fall asleep during Tai Chi? I did it for a few months, but found myself dozing off to the chagrin of my instructor. Well, aren’t you just a ball of unexpected unexpectedness.

Sent on Oct 18

  

Chipotle and I have had a very turbulent relationship.

Haha, but secret menus are so much fun! Especially since the employees want to sear your face with the tortilla machine for ordering a Quesarito with 20 people behind you in line. The same result is achieved at In-N-Out when you order a 4×4.

Lol. MILKY FRIES! MILKY FRIES! MILKY FRIES!!!

Haha, I’m quite the enigma. 😉

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

To say the least.

Sear one’s face? I’m guessing you’ve gotten that look on more than one occasion. So is it safe to say you’re a secret menu connoisseur? A 4×4 sounds like it’s a heart attack waiting to happen, so In and Out employees will not need to worry about me ordering any of that. A simple cheeseburger shall suffice.

That’s so gross! Why, McDonalds, whyyyyy?!?! Thank you for that. -_-

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

That, and I see the tweets from Chipotle employees and how much they despise people like me for indulging in such a lavish meal.

The 4×4 is 1050 calories and 69g of artery clogging greatness. You don’t know what you’re missing. ;P

Welcome. 🙂

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Haha you even creep on who’s tweeting to Chipotle?! Your devotion shows no bounds. So how does it feel to be the source of the internal groan emitted from Chipotle workers nationwide when ordering your beloved Quesarito? Okay, my quota of giving you a hard time has been reached and I shall be nicer, although you did spoil McDonald’s fries for me, so I’d say we’re even.

I may have to try it when I get the the itch to experience a near death experience.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

More like I have a friend who works there and has showed me constant bitching from employees about their customers. It’s

hilarious.

The sofritas, the Quesarito, the 4×4, you’ve got some catching up to do. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

That is hilarious! You have the inside scoop.

I’ll leave all of that for you. Although, the Quesarito doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll just have to overcome my fear of ordering off secret menus…

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Don’t worry. You’d be in good hands. Especially if we ever visited the Chipotle across the street from UNLV. They know me by name. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

By name, huh? Look at you being all official and such. I’m sure THEY wouldn’t mind you ordering a Quesarito. So aside from being a Chipotle fiend, what else should I know about you?

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Haha, I had to work my charm to get to that point. 😉 Let’s play two

truths and a lie. I’ve been to 5 countries in Eastern Europe. I have a YouTube channel with almost 1K subs, and I’ve brought a gun to an airport. Which is the lie? 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

You’ve brought a gun to the airport. I’d like to think I’m not talking to someone who doesn’t value their life.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 18

  

Haha, I have in fact brought a gun to an airport. Granted, it was an unloaded BB gun, and we were shooting (probably not the best use of words here) for a video project. I got so focused on the project that logic was the last thing on my mind. xD

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

Ah, convenient of you to leave out the BB part of that. So did TSA tackle you down and question you unmercifully until you confessed that you were indeed a criminal of the worst kind- a criminal that doesn’t even know he’s committed a crime?

Do I guess again? Because if so I go with the European countries bit.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

Haha, yeah, I had the Metro Counter-Terrorism Unit (which I did not

even know existed) on my ass. It was kinda serious. But it was all one big misunderstanding, and now it’s just a funny story I share with others. 😛

Ding! Ding! Ding! Good job. Now it’s your turn!

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

Counter-terrorism unit? Oh my goodness, what an intimidating name that I’m sure was coupled with intimidating faces.

Woot, I’m so good at this game. Okay, I can speak 2 languages- one of them being Tagalog, I have five brothers and I’m the oldest and only girl, and I almost got kicked out of a kings of Leon concert for trying to steal the lead singer’s guitar pick from a 12 year old.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

I wouldn’t know, as I only spoke over the phone with them. However, I felt the most menacing wrath of all. My mom’s, “YOU BROUGHT A FUCKING GUN TO THE AIRPORT???” Lol.

Hmmm…the concert thing sounds like something I would do, so I think that’s true. I’m just going to go with my gut and say you can’t speak Tagalog. That seems TOO easy to be true.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

Yup. A mom’s wrath is scarier than any counter-terrorism group out there.

Wow, look at you using the process of elimination. It’s true. I’m horrible with learning new languages. I’ve tried Japanese, Korean, and Spanish and have failed.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

Indeed.

Haha. I know some elementary Japanese as well. Imagine that, two people that hardly know Japanese, attempting to converse with one another. xD

So, I don’t know what you’ve got going on tonight, but we should totally go out and feast on some Chipotle. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

I’m pretty sure you know more than I ever could have remembered from my semester of Japanese…

I’m a tad bit paranoid about the meeting part of this whole online dating shpeel, which is awkward since its online DATING, but I’d need a little more time :/ no hard feelings if you don’t want to keep talking

or anything.

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

  

Konichiwa! Hajimemashite? Watashi wa, Arekkusu desu. 😛

If you need more time to learn that I’m not a cereal rapist or have bi-polar disorder or whatever it may be, I’m okay with that. This may sound like a cheesy pick-up line, but honestly, you’re the most fun, interesting, and authentic person I’ve talked with on here. 😛

Sent from the OkCupid app Oct 19

Block them Report

  

See! You’ve already surpassed my skill level. Okay, so I sort of lied. I remember zilch. I stopped watching J- dramas and usually that was my way of keeping on top of things.

For pick-up lines, that one was pretty successful, but yeah I’m like a nervous wreck about these things. Sorry 😦 I think you’re pretty awesome yourself. Your witty-banter game is on point and that’s important.

I’m also seriously crappy at replying to these messages on the app, so if this isn’t too weird you can text me.

Only I

You tell me you’ve made your decision

that I’ve reaped what I’ve sowed, but only

I know of the nights you begged me to stay-

just like that night I showed up on your

driveway. Head swimming. Voice quivering.

You tell me I don’t belong there

that I’ve reaped what I’ve sowed, but only

I know of the nights you held me tighter-

just like that night I threw words at you like

a fighter throws punches at their opponents.

Knuckles bleeding. Face seething.

You don’t say a word-what I’ve sowed for all

that I have reaped, but only

I know.

 

Clean

I have to make a conscious effort to give this up. I’m tired of crying every night and every morning and of secretly blaming myself for things that I cannot change nor should  want to change. Like you said that day, you have made your decision.  But so have I.

I’m sorry that love made us cruel and neither one of us will ever be the same again.

2016

So that last post was a little bitter…okay, a lot bitter, but it wasn’t meant to be. It was meant to be the traditional “summarize the past year post” that gets me hyped for the New Year, but I was angry and sad and needed to use that post as an outlet for all of that crazy. There’s something about the holidays that makes me remember every memory of him. I mean, it’s around this time that we started dating, so it’s not entirely surprising, but it still came out of nowhere- experiencing that kind of bitterness and depression that destroys the soul. I tried my best to cry it out these last few weeks, which I found very therapeutic. It really helped put things into perspective and made me realize that I need to see the bright side of all of this.  What could possibly be bright about crying maniacally over a boy who broke up with me a month and a half ago? Well, it’s better that I had cried it all out before the new year started (which is today). It may seem naive, but I needed to enter the new year with as little emotional baggage as I could have.

Which is a perfect transition into my 2016 New Years resolutions!

  1. Not cry over ex-boyfriend for more than 1 day- Hey, I understand that my first break up isn’t going to be easy. I, too, understand that he was my first true love, so it’ll be triple the hard to get over him, but crying over him is not productive any more. Crying won’t make him come back (which I wouldn’t want anyway) and won’t make me happy. Happiness is key.
  2. Do something new- I don’t know what that will entail quite yet, however, doing something new helps bring about experiences that I haven’t lived through. This may be as simple as creating a vision board (which I want to do today) or reading a new book or going back to school.
  3. Travel somewhere new- This can be in-state, out-of- state, or out of country! The world is at my finger tips.
  4. No online dating…hell, no dating period- It’s time to figure out my life without the outside influences of any man. I already take into consideration my family’s needs, so why complicate it even more with another person.
  5. Pay off a large portion of my debt- I make a helluva lot of money. I should be paying more towards my student loans, instead of hoarding money for fancy food that doesn’t even taste that great. I also need to just be more smart about finances period. Saving when I’m this young is so important.
  6. Learn to drive better aka GET MY LICENSE- I know how to drive; it’s just a matter of taking the damn test that’s hard. But if I envision it I can achieve it. I have a car…all I need is the skill and the official paper that says I can drive it by myself.
  7. Get healthier- drink less soda, eat less unhealthy carbs, walk more, and JUST BE ACTIVE. Being active is so important. I remember in college I’d always take a little walk somewhere or would “run” to get coffee. The closest coffee shop is still a long ways away, but it’s worth it!
  8. Have more ME time- I really loved spending time with myself before I was in a relationship. I naturally gravitated towards being alone with my thoughts and ideas and it helped me rejuvenate for when I needed to spend time with people.
  9. Limit my social media use- I deactivated my Facebook and will probably (maybe) sign out of my Instagram, but I need to rely less on social media for comfort. I should focus more on looking inwards for strength and assurance.
  10. Sleep more- Getting more sleep just makes you feel like you can conquer the world and I want that feeling to be the norm by the end of this year.

I guess those are pretty vague resolutions, but I think they’re all attainable. I’m really excited to see where this year takes me!