Heartbreak is shit~ it makes you feel like shit and it makes you think you’re shit. I don’t mean to start this post so crassly, but that’s how it’s been for me these last few weeks, since Alex ended things. Honestly, I’ve never felt so insecure in my life, until that moment when he Facetimed me to tell me that I wasn’t good for him and that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I’m sure he said some other things, but what stuck was that this time I wasn’t good enough.
I’ve never felt that way before. In the past, I may have felt like there were aspects of myself that needed work, but I never felt not good enough. How ironic is it that a boy would make me feel this way for the first time? Especially ironic when I’ve done everything in my power to keep something like this from happening. Maybe that was my downfall~knowing that a relationship wasn’t something I actually wanted, but jumping in anyway.
It was hard not wanting something when your heart kept telling you that you did. To be fair, I broke up with him as much times as he’s broken up with me, except this time he followed through. It seems like both of our heads were in the same place with this relationship, but our hearts weren’t. It sucks. There’s no other way to describe it. I could write a beautiful, heart-wrenching poem that depicts our ill-fated love, but at the core of it would be that love sucks when love isn’t enough.
It wasn’t enough for us. I mean, at least it wasn’t enough for him…and, perhaps, for me, too. There were a lot of signs; a lot of the universe creating this picture that love would be enough, but reality came and hit the universe over the head. In reality, we are both young, we are both in different places in our lives, and we both need different things. He needs someone who is constantly there for him and is all about her feelings for him and I need someone who could actually respect my need for space.
I’m difficult to love. I never hid that from him or from myself. I’ve always known it and even if I could change it I wouldn’t know where to start. I wanted to change for him, though. I really truly did, but at the end of the day I couldn’t and that’s where that leaves us and me. I’d be lying if there wasn’t a tiny shimmer of hope that we could work it out and actually be content with the people we are, but I’m sure that’s more harmful than just hating him and getting over it.
Even if I end up hating him, I know that a part of my heart will always love him. He was my first person, the first boy I gave my heart to. I can’t ignore that fact, even though I’d really like to. People keep telling me that heartbreak is good for the soul and I’m sure they’re right. I’m sure that my soul will thank him after all of the crying and aching in the heart. I just would like to ask the universe, WHY HIM? WHY NOW? WHY ME? WHY US? WHY FOR A WHOLE FREAKING YEAR OF MY LIFE? JESUS CHRIST, I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE?!