Loving someone is so complicated, especially when that love is reciprocated. I always thought that once the hurdle of finding someone who loved me unconditionally was crossed that it would be easy; that everything would fall into place. As I have come to learn in the last month, that is not the case. It is hard work. It is harder than anything that I ever had to experience because it is so emotionally draining. I’ve spent so many years building walls to protect myself from this all consuming avalanche of emotions and vulnerabilities. It took all of 6 months to understand just how high those walls were built and how they were damaging the little spark of hope (in love) Alex had ignited in my life. Slowly, those walls started to collapse and those emotions and vulnerabilities I tried to keep at bay came rushing through with a vengeance. I became more open with my feelings towards him, craved the attention and love he would give me wholeheartedly, and started feeling utter desolation when he stopped.
The thing with Alex is that he’s comfortable with being in a relationship. He can deal with it all and can’t understand when I can’t. And to be fair to me, he’s changed drastically since that day we had to deal with our differing approaches to love and relationships. He’s less attentive, more distant. It seems like he has started to embody the very behavior he told me that I needed to change in order for our relationship to work. When I confront him, however, he has logical reasons for the way he treats me and I try to understand them and use them to calm the insecurities that seem to choke me, but it never seems to help.
Maybe I need to harden myself a little more, allow myself to cherish the time he is not in my life. Stop needing his validation. Stop needing him period. Try to be more like the girl I was before love tried to ruin me.