I was really good at writing poetry. Why did I ever stop?
Even when everything points to someone liking you and caring about you, there’s still the potential for it to blow up in your face. It happened yesterday and a part of me is liberated and the other part of me just wants to curl into his arms and kiss the stupid blonde hairs on his neck and tell him that he can love me on his own time. But I love myself way too much to wait for that day. So here I am. Single. Dating. Sad. Empowered. Staring at my phone hoping he comes back, but knowing that would not change anything.
There was an Alex and then an Eden and a Tommy and an Omar and a Carlos, but then there’s Nate. Nate is Nate. Nate is attentive when Alex was not. Nate is a great banterer when Eden was not. Nate is respectful when Tommy was not. Nate is affectionate when Omar was not. And Nate is confident when Carlos was not. Nate is literally everything that is different from all of the other guys I’ve dated in the past year, so why does it feel like things aren’t going to end up the way I feel like they should? It’s because dating assholes makes you pessimistically think that every man wants the same thing. Ugh, when will I ever be able to learn my lesson.
So there’s another Alex and, god, he’s taking me for a ride…
A lot of my thoughts are pretty positive when I think of this race. It’s one of those things that I know I can finish, but how I finish will depend entirely on how I approach it mentally. I’m unashamed to say that I’m usually my worst enemy. I try to self- sabotage when things seem a little too good to be true, but with running that just isn’t an option. It’s crazy to think about how much this sport has changed my outlook on my body, mind, and life, in general. With running, I’m unable to give up on myself because once I do it hurts- physically and emotionally. There is such a high that comes with a good run. Shoot, there’s a high that comes with bad runs, too because at least I got out and did it. I get a short amount of time with myself and my own thoughts. It’s truly a game changer. Anyway, I’ll write another post after the race, but just know that running saved something inside of me and continues to do so.
Where did the time go? How is it that I’m 25 and will be standing at my best friend’s wedding watching her marry the man she loves in just a few weeks? It’s truly mind-blowing to think about! It makes my stomach twist with happiness and exhilaration and anxiety. I’m getting to that age when people I’ve known since I was in middle school are on their first kid or are getting married and I’m just not there at all…yet or, to be completely honest, maybe never? I don’t know. All I know is that I’m a Maid of Honor in a wedding in a few weeks and I need a speech. It’s pretty hard to write about love and soul mates when you yourself have never felt that kind of connection. I mean, there’s been that first infatuation (Drew), the first “first” (Kevin), and the first love-ish (Alex), but there really hasn’t been that someone. Do I even believe in soulmates? Do I completely believe that we can find one person that we’ll spend the rest of our lives with? I don’t think so. I think there’s someone for every stage in your life- that someone could be a love interest or a best friend or a mentor, but there’s that someone that illuminates something inside of you that you didn’t know was there. Valery illuminated a confidence inside of me that I forgot existed. I’m over playing some kind of victim from my relationship with Alex, but that’s how I dealt with it back then. I blamed him and I blamed myself for opening myself up to someone enough to get so hurt. I bathed in that bitterness until my mental and physical health suffered. When she saw this she kicked my ass and helped me wake up. She forced me to start running and going to the gym, so that I could take control of something in my life. Slowly, with every mile and sweaty strength training workout, I found happiness with myself and with my body. I found happiness in living a healthier life. Most importantly, I gained a lifelong friend who gave me something that I needed desperately- self-love. The amazing thing about Val is that she’s comfortable and confident with herself, but she’s not at all perfect and she owns it. I tried for so long to be the perfect daughter, friend, and then girlfriend. When I let go of that, it changed my whole life and she is one of the reasons why. Anyway, I need to write this MOH speech and I’m scared because I don’t know if I’ll be able to adequately explain just how happy I am that someone who changed my life is going to change the life of another.
I like to think of June as the month I started to get serious about half marathon training. In the year that I’ve been continuously running, I’ve ran more miles in other months, but they were mostly at the gym. These runs were, for the most part, outdoors and pushed me to my limits by getting my pace into the 11 minute spectrum. It also helped me get excited about running again- pushing me to want to run outside by myself rather than trying to wait on outside forces (like other people or the perfect conditions) to motivate me. I’m super proud of myself and this calendar. I believe I’m going to try to do longer runs during the week and have my shorter runs be my hill training days as those workouts are lethal and I usually don’t do long runs if there’s tons of hills.
This year has definitely showed me that I can push my limits and survive. Actually, I can not only survive, but exceed my expectations. I’m going to PR at the Rock and Roll half. I can feel it in my bones. I’m ready to push and see the progress my mind and body has experienced.